


The Demons Inside of My Head

by KrisLetang



Series: Demons [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-12 20:57:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12968283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Imagine telling Rafael your deepest, darkest secret. There is nothing graphic, vague descriptions in flashbacks.





	The Demons Inside of My Head

**Author's Note:**

> Anything enclosed in *...* is a flashback. I hope you guys enjoy this. It's one of my favorites that I've written and I finally gained enough courage to post it. I'd love comments, I run on them. I'm considering making this a series. Let me know what you think! Thanks :)

You had thought you could handle this, but as his breathing dissolved into pants and moans began to sound out in the otherwise quiet room, you felt caged in by his warm body. The cold air from the open window cooled your sweat soaked skin, causing a chill to run over you, panic beginning to become more than just a twinge in the back of your mind. “Y/N, darling, are you okay?” his hips had stilled, his voice soft and breathy by your ear, but you were frozen and tense, shaking-*the cool air on your skin made you shiver, tears pouring from your eyes as you laid slumped on the floor. Your legs felt like jelly, weak and unsteady as you tried to get up and out of there*-“Y/N?”

“Stop, please just stop,” you managed to gasp out, struggling to get out from under him. Rafael stilled you with a strong hand, gently pulling out, and then releasing you. You shot up, turning away and curling in on yourself on the edge of the bed. You bit your lip, trying desperately to hold in sobs, your chest starting to heave. You could feel Rafael hovering behind you, not quite touching you but trying to be there to provide comfort. 

“Can I help at all cariño?” his voice soft and gentle by your ear, but you couldn’t answer him, rough sounds tearing their way from your throat-*“Hey Y/N,” his voice was kind, causing you to look up. He was leaning against the frame of your office door, a charming smile, “Come to my office before you leave, I need to talk to you about something,” You nodded, looking up at your boss,

“Sure thing,”*-You felt so stupid all of the sudden, shame flooding you once again. You sucked in panicked breaths, your hands shaking, and you felt a desperate need to be clothed. Unsteadily rising to your feet, you yanked on your leggings and sweater, rushing out of the room, his voice trailing after you, 

“Y/N! Wait,” Rafael was trying to follow you, pulling on boxers as he went, but you couldn’t face him. All you had wanted was to not feel so broken anymore. You hadn’t even wanted this relationship in the first place, but you had felt so vulnerable and Rafael had been all kind smiles and bringing you coffee in the morning, you couldn’t say no when he finally had asked you to dinner. It had been 6 months, you just wanted to be able to move on, but obviously that was a ridiculous dream because you couldn’t breathe. You stumbled slightly on the coffee table as it was too dark to see, but quickly regained your balance, bursting through the door and onto Rafael’s balcony. “Y/N,” Rafael’s voice was cautious, he was right on your trail, taking a careful step through the glass door and talking softly, “Darling, please look at me,” You grabbed the balcony railing so hard, your knuckles were turning white. You jumped slightly when his hand landed on your shoulder, “Y/N, I didn’t hurt you did I?” he asked softly. You took a few moments to breathe, wiping at your eyes, 

“No Rafi, you didn’t do anything,” you finally managed to whisper, reaching up to cover his hand with your own, 

“Is this okay?” Rafael asked, softly, his arms winding around your waist, nuzzling his face against your neck, and all you could do was nod. You were shaking still-*You knocked on the door, your coat in hand. After this you could head home. The muffled voice from in the room invited you to come in, so you complied, approaching the desk, “Y/N, I just wanted to go over some files with you, take a seat,” he gave you a smile, so you sat down, gulping softly when he got right in your personal space*-You gripped the railing again, squeezing your eyes shut, 

“Talk to me,” you whispered, pleadingly.

“I’m right here Y/N, it’s going to be okay,” Rafael murmured, quickly transitioning into meaningless chatter, “I had a meeting with Buchanan today, he argued with me for more than an hour, the stubborn bastard,” you listened to his story, finally able to calm your breathing and relax into his arms, “That’s it,” he hesitantly pressed his lips against the top of your head, “Let’s go inside, it’s cold out here,” You numbly followed him inside and to the couch, feeling worn out. Rafael sat down next to you, setting a glass of water on the coffee table, his hand going to your thigh. You yanked away from the touch, your eyes filling with tears once more. Rafael immediately moved his hand, inching slightly closer, “Sorry, sorry. Can I do anything to help?” he asked gently, his eyes wide with concern. You wanted the couch to swallow you whole, why couldn’t this whole thing go away-*His hands were all over your body, his mouth muffling your screams and cries. It wasn’t like there was anyone around to help you anyways. He was horribly gentle, and it made it all the worse, drawing it out, touching you, lips all over your neck. You clawed at his back, but he pinned your wrists above your head*-You dropped your head into your hands, dragging your fingers through your damp locks. You started to shake with sobs again, and Rafael’s arms wrapped around your shoulders, holding you and whispering soothing words. Finally, you were just a sniffling mess, wiping your wet cheek, and pulling away from Rafael. 

“I-I should go, I’m sorry about-” you started to apologize, but Rafael interrupted you almost immediately, 

“Don’t you dare apologize for needing to stop,” he whispered, grabbing your wrist to try and keep you from leaving, “If you really want to go, at least let me take you home, however I do have a guest room if you’d like to stay. I would like you to stay,” You pulled your arm away, taking a few deep breaths, and trying to clear your head. You didn’t want to be alone, but you didn’t want to stay either. 

“Rafi,” you murmured, sniffling, turning to finally look at him. He was standing right in front of the couch, his hair disheveled, his green eyes full of worry, a simple pair of baby blue and white boxers hanging low on his hips. Rafael took a careful step towards you, but that was all it took to have you closing the distance and clinging to him. “I shouldn’t have put you in this position-I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea-” 

“Shhh, it’s okay,” Rafael whispered, stroking your back, “Why don’t we forget this. We don’t have to do anything until you’re ready, we were already taking it slow, let’s go back to that,” 

“I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to-”

“Don’t do that, I told you, it is perfectly fine, no pressure,” he interrupted your apology, but you couldn’t help but feel bad about everything. The emotional baggage, he didn’t deserve that, and while he had been a lifeline since you had requested your lateral from Brooklyn, you felt like all you were doing was taking. You weren’t thinking straight at the moment, you were so tired, so you figured it could all be dealt with in the morning. 

“Okay,” you whispered, breathing in the comforting scent of his cologne. It helped ground you, as your boyfriend smelled nothing like his heavy musk filled scent that made you sick to your stomach when you even thought about it. Rafael had more of an earthy, masculine scent, and you had never been so grateful for his good taste. 

“Do you want me to take you home still? I will,” he murmured, his cheek resting against your temple. 

“N-No, I’ll just stay here, it’s late, and I don’t want to be alone,” you finally replied, and that was the truth, you felt better in his arms. 

“Okay, I’m not going anywhere,” Rafael assured you, “Let’s go back to my bedroom, I’ll change the sheets and you can sleep there. I’ll be in the guest room right down the hall-”

“No, no, you don’t have to do that Rafael, it’s your bed, and with your back, I can’t let you,” you argued, you didn’t mind company in bed, unless you were going to wake up screaming again that is, but you would cross that bridge when you got to it. “I’d like you to stay with me,” 

“Are you sure Y/N, I really don’t mind. One night in the guest room won’t affect my back,” he insisted, holding you at an arm’s length, trying to read your body language. 

“I’m sure Rafael,” you whispered. He finally nodded, his hand resting on the small of your back as you headed back down the hallway. He stripped the bed, talking to you as you sat on the little bench that rested at its foot. You wanted to stand up and help him, but he had insisted you just sit there. 

“I can get you a tee shirt and some shorts or sweatpants,” he offered softly, carrying a bundle of sheets to his hamper. You climbed up on the mattress, the sheets felt nice and soft, obviously a ridiculously high thread count. 

“I know where they are, could you maybe pour me a glass of wine?” you asked softly, and Rafael sat next to you, rubbing his hand up and down your arm, 

“Sure darling, what kind would you like?” he whispered as he pressed his lips against your temple. 

“Do you have any of that cabernet that we had with dinner the other week?” you asked softly. Rafael smiled, nodded, and promised to be back shortly with the aforementioned wine. You stood up, opening the top drawer of his dresser where you suspected he would keep his white undershirts. You grabbed one from the top of the pile and started to slowly strip down, finally pulling the tee shirt over your head. It only half covered your panties, but you didn’t really care. It was much more comfortable than anything else you had. Deciding against borrowing a pair of shorts or sweatpants as it was warm in his room, you climbed back onto the mattress. Rafael returned quickly, two glasses in hand along with the bottle of wine. 

“Cabernet as requested,” he whispered, sitting down beside you and pouring you half a glass. You gratefully sipped it, trying to calm your frazzled nerves. “There’s this nice place on West 31st that I was thinking we could go to for breakfast tomorrow, my treat of course,” You appreciated his efforts to help relax you. 

“Sure,” you whispered, drinking some more wine. You had been doing so much better recently, you hated that this still could bother you. You wanted to tell Rafael, it was on the tip of your tongue, but instead you finished your glass and poured another one. You peeked up at Rafael, who was sprawled out on his stomach, a pillow tucked under his chest and arms, watching you carefully as he drank his own wine. “Thank you,” you whispered, “For everything tonight,” 

“You don’t have to thank me,” Rafael replied, his green eyes displaying his worry. You drained the second glass before finally feeling relaxed enough that sleep seemed attractive. You laid in Rafael’s arms, your face buried in the crook of his neck. He stroked your back until you finally drifted off into the darkness.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………..

The smell of coffee pulled you from your restless slumber, you were on your back, light pouring in over you. You lazily rubbed your eyes, wishing you could disappear. Facing Rafael after the night before felt impossible, you would have rather jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge. You should have known that it would turn out badly, but Rafael had already been so patient with you, not pushing or pressuring, and his birthday had been the week before, but most of all you had just wanted to move on, so you had changed your plans from going to the movies to having take out and watching tv. Rafael had gladly agreed to the change, offering up his own apartment for the evening. The two of you had left work together, eaten dinner and watched a few shows, you tucked comfortably against his side. He had leaned down for a short kiss, but you had pulled him in for more, throwing a leg over his hips as you straddled him. Rafael had choked on a surprised gasp, protesting softly as you trailed kisses over his jaw and neck, but you had assured him you wanted to and you had waited long enough. Boy had you been wrong. It had been too much. You dragged yourself from the bed, heading out to find Rafael and get the awkwardness over with. You heard his voice from the hallway, seeing him talking on the phone while pouring two mugs of coffee when you made it to the kitchen. You took a seat at the island, not wanting to look him in the face. He was only on the phone for a few moments after you appeared, turning around and smiling when he saw you, “Are you feeling better this morning?” he asked gently, taking a step towards you and setting the warm mug on the counter. You nodded, focusing intently on pouring sugar into your coffee. Rafael sat beside you, pushing the milk in your direction. You jumped slightly when his hand started to rub little circles onto your back, your face reddening. 

“I’m really sorry about last night,” you whispered, taking in a shaky breath. Rafael’s voice was almost stern when he replied, 

“I told you not to apologize for that. Now drink your coffee, and we can go out for breakfast. That was Liv, we’re probably going to have to go into the office later this afternoon,” he pressed a gentle kiss to the side of your neck, and you couldn’t help but lean into him, he was so kind. You nodded softly, 

“I’m going to need to get some clothes if we’re going into the office,” you whispered, trying to make a joke. Rafael grinned at you, chuckling softly,

“I don’t think we’d get any work done if you wore that,” he teased. You flushed slightly, remembering what happened the previous night once more. You took a sip of coffee instead of replying, “Y/N I was only kidding,” 

“Can I-can I get a shower?” you asked softly, and Rafael nodded, a frown on his face as he watched you. He got you a towel, and the warm water felt nice against your skin. You felt an overwhelming need to scrub as hard as you could, your skin was crawling. Tears burned your eyes, mingling with the water from the shower. You needed to get the feeling of him off of you. It hadn’t hurt this much for two or three months, but suddenly it felt like it had happened only the night before. You wanted to stay in there, but this was Rafael’s warm water, and you no idea if he wanted a shower before you left, so you toweled off, trying to stop sobbing before going back out to face him. You were about to exit the bathroom when a knock on the door startled you, 

“I brought your clothes,” Rafael sounded concerned, and you wondered if he could hear you. You opened the door, starting to wipe at your face, but when he looked at you, all loving and worried, you fell apart again, 

“Thank you,” you whispered, taking them and practically shutting it in his face. You quickly dressed, gripping the counter as hard as you could afterwards and trying to stop crying. You headed out to the kitchen where Rafael was waiting, clad in a simple white button down with his sleeves rolled up and a pair of very flattering jeans. 

“Ready?” he asked softly, and you nodded, trailing him out to a cab, grateful that he wasn’t going to ask about any of it. He simply intertwined your hands, and smiled kindly. It almost overwhelmed you with emotion that was so understanding and gentle, you wanted to never let go of him. You had managed to stop by your apartment and change into some fresh clothes before Rafael’s phone started to explode once more. He was frowning when you came out of the bathroom, all evidence of your meltdown covered up with makeup. 

“What’s going on?” you asked softly, coming over to where he was sitting and wrapping your arms around him from behind. 

“How about we have brunch instead of breakfast because Liv apparently needs us right now,” he finally replied, “Are you okay to go into the office?” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine,” you replied, leaning down to kiss his cheek, “I don’t know what I would do without you Rafi,” 

“Probably live on microwave meals and binge Netflix all day,” he teased, leaning over to catch your lips with his own, “Mmm, let’s go, this is apparently pressing,” You laughed softly, feeling a great deal better than you had earlier. Rafael wrapped an arm around your shoulders, glad to hear the sweet sound of your laughter after the last twelve or so hours. The cab ride over was quiet, but you were smiling, barely even thinking about it, that is until you stepped into the SVU office. You blanched immediately, that smile sending shivers throughout your body. Rafael noticed the shift in your behavior right away, but he didn’t comment. The two of you hadn’t exactly gotten around to announcing whatever it is that you were, and you preferred to keep it private at least for the moment. It felt like you were in a daze, Liv’s voice sounding like it was miles away, but you could still make out what she was saying, 

“Barba, Y/N, I’m sure you’ve met Brooklyn EADA Mitchell, he’s here to help us with this case,” The tall man almost immediately stepped into your space, dragging you into a hug, 

“Y/N, it’s been far too long,” he said, and you suddenly felt like you couldn’t breathe, needing to get away from him. You staggered back, grabbing Rafael’s sleeve as you tried to catch your balance. He quickly grabbed you, helping to keep you upright, 

“Y/N, are you okay?” he asked, still standing almost an arms length away. You blinked, managing to whisper, 

“I-I’ll be right back,” You rushed out of there, grateful for the privacy of the bathroom. You could barely breathe, your throat constricting and chest feeling tight. It only seemed like a few moments before there was soft knocking on the door, 

“Y/N?” the door opened, but you didn’t turn to look. “Hey,” his voice was soft. You dropped your head, squeezing your eyes closed. 

“Rafi, I don’t feel so well,” you finally managed to whisper, and it was true, suddenly your stomach felt like it was churning, you itched for another shower. He reached for you, pausing, his hands hovering close to your skin, 

“Is it okay if I-” he didn’t even get to finish the question, 

“Yes,” you practically sobbed, needing him to hold you close. It didn’t take a genius to realize you were very fragile, and Rafael was anything but stupid. He didn’t say anything but rather held you, rubbed your back, and hushed you. You sniffled, wiping your eyes once he pulled away. Rafael didn’t ask, he instead let himself out of the bathroom after pressing his lips to your temple, squeezing your hand, and whispering, 

“It’s going to be alright,” but it wasn’t alright, and you felt so alone. You could literally feel yourself shaking, but you forced yourself to take a deep breath, unwilling to give the bastard the satisfaction of chasing you away. You returned shortly after, ignoring the confused and concerned looks you were receiving from the detectives. 

“Counselor, are you feeling alright?” Sonny asked softly. You nodded, taking a seat beside Rafael. 

“Sorry about that guys,” you murmured, gulping slightly. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Liv replied, “Let’s just get moving, there is a lot to discuss, Casey?” He stood up, you could feel his eyes on you even as you looked intently at your hands. 

“This case is complex, a teacher who worked in a Brooklyn school for years and now works here in Manhattan has been accused of raping more than one special needs student…” you listened as the details were shared about the disturbing case. “What do you think Y/N?” Your eyes went wide at the mention of your name. You hated the little smirk he was giving you as he spoke, he could see what this was doing to you. 

“W-well, um, obviously we should prosecute separately, but petition the judge to allow discussion of all charges because they fit a pattern,” you were flustered, you hadn’t felt this small at work in a long time. 

“Well obviously,” Mitchell replied sarcastically, “Does anyone have some input that is actually useful,” you blushed furiously, hanging your head. Rafael’s eyes shifted from you to Mitchell and then back, he couldn’t believe that you were accepting the older lawyer talking to you like that especially considering you had publically chewed him out more than once for being a cocky, arrogant ass. 

“Well how about you lose that condescending attitude for starters,” Rafael grumbled, and you couldn’t help but smile softly as he came to your defense, 

“Barba, I see you still are sarcastic as ever, how was your suspension?” Rafael bristled slightly at the man’s words. 

“Okay, how about we all simmer down,” Liv suggested, her hand resting on Rafael’s shoulder. “I need to talk to you and I think we should let Y/N and Mitchell startup your action plan,” You completely stiffened, being alone in a room with him, you couldn’t even think about it without beginning to panic, 

“Sonny, you were asking me last week about shadowing, if Liv can spare you, why don’t you come in and help us plan this out,” you offered, surprising yourself with a steady voice. Rafael glanced over at you once more, his jaw almost hitting the floor. You hated having more people than necessary involved in decision making like this, too many conflicting opinions would lead to tension and arguing and things would always take hours longer. 

“I’ll be in your office to talk in a second Liv, I need to talk to Y/N really quick about the planning,” Rafael said, rising to his feet, and grabbing your arm gently. You followed him over to the coffee maker, wanting nothing more than to leave and not come back, “Are you okay without me?” he asked softly, reaching out for your hand. You looked down, trying to convince yourself that it would be alright. 

“Be quick,” you whispered, not meeting his gaze. He squeezed your hand briefly, promising to return shortly, and then disappearing off to Liv’s office. 

“Y/N, let’s go, Mitchell is waiting in the conference room,” Sonny said with a grin. You nodded, following him into the room and taking a seat at the table. 

“So, Y/N, what have you been up to since you left Brooklyn?” Casey Mitchell’s voice was something that you had never wanted to hear again, but here you were, trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy as he reached out and patted your hand, 

“Don’t do that,” you whispered, “Let’s just keep this professional and get through it,” You could feel Sonny’s eyes on you. “What is your witness list like for the cases in Brooklyn?” He didn’t take his hand off of yours, and you could feel his eyes giving you a once over. 

“I like that top on you,” you were beginning to lose your cool. You pulled away, breaking the physical contact,

“Casey, stop it,” you begged, ashamed that tears were welling up in your eyes. 

“Oh, don’t pretend you don’t like it Y/N, come on,” the smugness in his voice made it so much worse. A part of you wished you hadn’t asked Sonny to come in, but at least you knew you weren’t in any real danger with the detective present, “Fine, let’s get to work,” He laid out his list for you and Sonny, and you had most of the information you needed within fifteen minutes. A knock on the door startled you, 

“Hey guys, sorry that took so long, where are we?” Rafael came and sat beside you, his hand grazing your shoulder on the way through. Even that soft touch made you feel more at ease. You let Sonny catch Rafael up, focusing on the calmness that your boyfriend brought with him. Before you knew it, it was finally over, “I’m going to walk Counselor Mitchell to the door,” Rafael announced, startling you slightly. He squeezed your shoulder on the way by, 

“See ya Y/N, we really should get together sometime soon,” Mitchell said with a sleazy grin on his face that made you want to disappear. You weakly nodded, grateful when he was finally gone, 

“You and Mitchell?” Sonny asked softly, and you groaned slightly, dropping your head into your hands, “I mean I see you and Barba, that’s a no brainer,” you shot up at that your eyes wide, 

“H-How do you know about that?” you asked, but Sonny laughed, 

“You two are as subtle as a brick through a window, seriously, we’re detectives Y/N,” you blushed slightly at your friend’s statement. 

“I never-not with Mitchell-that was one sided Sonny, I swear to God,” you finally said softly, unable to disclose the full truth. Rafael returned within a few moments, 

“Carisi, can we have a minute?” he asked softly, his hands on the top of your chair. Sonny gave you a knowing smirk, slipping out of the room. You stood up, and Rafael’s arms were almost immediately around you, “What’s going on Y/N? You’re as white as a sheet,” 

“It’s nothing, ghosts from the past, let’s just go to breakfast finally,” you whispered, enjoying the warmth of his embrace. Rafael nodded slightly, running his fingers through your loose locks of hair, 

“Sounds good to me, I’m starving,” he murmured as he pulled away, his hand resting gently on your lower back. The both of you said your goodbyes to the detectives, heading out to a cab. Rafael was quiet the whole way to the restaurant, a far off look in his eyes, a look that you had seen countless times while talking about a case. He was trying to figure something out, and you hoped to hell it had nothing to do with you and Casey Mitchell. It wasn’t until you were seated and nervously tearing up a napkin that he finally asked, looking slightly apprehensive, “Y/N, were you and Mitchell,” he paused, carefully considering his words, “Together?” You blanched, wanting nothing more than for the floor to swallow you up. 

“No,” you whispered, reaching for your water. Rafael was quiet again as the waiter brought your food. You pushed some of it around on the plate, your appetite suddenly nonexistent. You felt tears begin to cloud your vision, not sure of what to say, but Rafael’s hand was quickly over top of yours, 

“Oh, please don’t cry, I shouldn’t have even asked that, I’m sorry,” he whispered. You couldn’t help it though, pulling away, 

“I’ll be back,” you rushed to the restroom, tears blurring your vision. You couldn’t breathe, you knew what you had to do, but it was terrifying to even consider. Finally, you headed back to the table despite the fact that you didn’t feel any better about it. Rafael looked relieved when you returned, 

“I really didn’t mean to-I’m sorry Y/N, I shouldn’t have said that. He was acting so weird around you and-” you held up a hand to cut off his hurried explanation, 

“Sonny thought the same thing. It’s fine,” you whispered, sitting back down, “I need you to do something for me,” Rafael looked up from his food, 

“Okay,” he said softly, “Anything,” You gulped, trying to keep your nerve up, 

“I’m going to tell you something, I need you to please not freak out because I can’t handle it if you lose it, okay?” your voice was quiet and shaky, but he was immediately nodding, looking concerned, but agreeing to what you asked. You sucked in a shaky breath, “I-I should have told you this earlier, I just didn’t know how. Mitchell was my boss in Brooklyn, I was newer to the office. One night he asked me to come up to his office, just to go over some files,” you felt the tears falling from your eyes, “I should have known not to go in there alone,” you whispered, your voice breaking. To Rafael’s credit, he didn’t make a sound, his face stayed calm but his eyes were wide with concern. He was quiet for a few more moments, trying to make sure you were finished talking, 

“Are you telling me he raped you?” he finally whispered, his tone slightly strained. You nodded, unable to say anymore out loud, “Oh Y/N, you should have told me sooner,” You would be eternally grateful for his gentle voice. He was silent for a few moments before he cautiously asked, “So, last night, I want you to be really honest with me, did I make you feel pressured at all because that was certainly not my intention. We said we were taking it slow and I was really fine with that-” 

“No, no, oh my god, no,” you hastily replied, cutting off his worried question, “It was just-last night was a lot of things. We had already waited so long, and I did feel a little guilty, not because of you of course, but because of my own worries,” you suddenly wanted to spill everything to him. His reaction so far was really as good as you could have hoped for, “And it’s been 6 months since Mitchell, and I really just wanted to move on. It was stupid to think that I could handle that,” 

“It wasn’t stupid Y/N,” he whispered, reaching for your hand, “We can try again whenever you feel like you’re ready. It makes me incredibly angry that you had to deal with this, and I want you to know I’m here if you want to talk or not, it’s all up to you. This changes nothing about us,” His soft words made you all the more emotional. You were shaking slightly with sobs, 

“Thank you Rafi,” you whispered. 

“Let’s get you home cariño, I’ll get the check and get this boxed up,” You nodded, not really hungry anymore. It wasn’t long before he had his arm wrapped around your shoulders, quietly getting both of you into the cab. You were silent, holding his hand during the ride to your apartment. His soft hands fit perfectly in your own, familiar long fingers gently stroking your skin. You traced the one of the veins that ran from his wrist to his knuckles, and Rafael didn’t comment, instead leaning his cheek against the side of your head. It was dark inside and felt empty, so you were glad when Rafael started a fire and brought two glasses of wine over to the couch. He turned the tv on and wrapped his arm around your shoulders, “So, I actually got you something last week, and I was going to give them to you last night, but, well you know,” Rafael said, pulling an envelope out of his pocket. You took the envelope and looked over at him, trying to get a read on what could be in there, “Well go ahead and open it,” he said with a soft laugh, so you did. The colorful tickets that you pulled out made you break out into a disbelieving grin, your name was printed on one of them with his on the other. 

“Hawaii? How the hell did you know I want to go to Hawaii?” you asked, looking up at him. His eyes sparkled with amusement, 

“I have my ways, I had some vacation time built up and I thought this might be fun,” He brought his legs up onto the couch, shifting so he could lay them over your lap. You set the tickets down on the coffee table, stroking his thigh distractedly. “It’s okay if you don’t want to,” 

“Are you kidding me,” you said, moving so you could lay on top of him, your head resting on your crossed arms as you peered down at his face. “There is no possible way you are a human Rafael, you are too damn perfect. Where the hell did I get you?” 

“Well they do say men are from Mars, I should have known you would be the one to figure me out,” he joked with an amused smile and a laugh. You traced the neckline of his shirt for a bit, running your hand across his skin. He softly talked to you about meaningless things, about work and lunch with his mother and you shut your eyes, listening to his voice and letting it comfort you. You shut your eyes, breathing in his comforting, familiar scent and listened to his soft voice. His steady heartbeat, his chest rising and falling, all of it together lulled you into a light sleep. You were startled awake by movement beneath you, but due to your sleepy daze, it took you a few moments to realize Rafael was trying to slip out from underneath you, 

“Mmm, Rafi, don’t go,” you whispered, clutching at his dress shirt to keep him there. 

“Mi amor, I need to pee, I’m not leaving,” he whispered. You whined slightly, but let go of his shirt so he could get to the bathroom. He wasn’t long, cuddling up beside you once more, his damp hands making you squirm for a moment. Laying there in his arms, you realized you hadn’t thought about Mitchell for hours, you felt safe with Rafael, warm and comfortable in his arms. It felt nice to have the burden of it off of your chest, having told someone was a weight off your shoulders. He made you feel optimistic about your life again. Right after the assault, you had been severely depressed, even suicidal, but now you wanted to live. 

“Rafi,” you whispered, “Please don’t go anywhere, ever,” he chuckled, 

“I wouldn’t dream of it darling,” Rafael made you feel like you could start to heal, to really move on. Although you were a long way from the finish line, it felt tangible all the sudden, and as you buried your face in the crook of his neck, starting to doze once more, you felt better than you had in a long, long time.


End file.
